depression is a thief

Trigger warning: This piece discusses depression, self-worth struggles, suicide ideation and emotional distress

recently i’ve been processing some feels - so this is me just letting it out - no complete thought, is any thought ever complete? anyways, let’s dive in.

depression is a thief

is something that keeps repeating in my head.

so many times in my life I believed things that weren’t true because depression had me by the throat

I believed I wasn’t good enough

I believed I wasn’t loved, especially by my parents

I believed my coworkers were better than me and that I wasn’t worth sharing space with them

I believed my life was nothing special and I didn’t really need to be here anyway

so many beliefs that weren’t mine, clouded by the voice of something that’s mine but doesn’t belong to me.

I think because to the times in my life I was robbed of time because of it

times where I couldn’t feel the joy while we gathered at my friend’s house and it forced me to sit in the corner and just watch, telling me they didn’t care if I was there or not.

times where I wanted to get up and dance, and laugh, and jump around with them but I couldn’t because they convinced me there was no point.

times where I wanted to be myself with my parents but I didn’t feel safe because they wouldn’t love me if I was really me, right?

so many times in my life I showed up as this shell of a person that was kinda like me, but not really me, you know?

i’m tired of being robbed.

it’s exhausting.

having to operate from this energy that’s not really you, but to afraid to be the you, you know you are. having to try and really be the sunshine people see you as when you know inside you feel like a rainy winter day.

but that doesn’t mean i’ll stop trying. doesn’t stop me from shining, or trying to shine. I know I'm destined to shine, it’s written in the stars they say.

but some days it feels so so hard. but everyday i wake up to see another day I am thankful.

thankful that I have another chance to heal the thief that lives inside of me.

Photo by Velizar Ivanov on Unsplash

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let’s take a deep breath, I know I need one.

this piece brought up a lot of hot tears, are tears always hot? somehow I can’t remember. but i’m glad it’s out of me and i’m glad you were able join me in this…reflection? i’m going to use this post as an opportunity to plug in some mental health resources: 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline | Mental Health First Aid | International Mental Health Resources | Feelings Wheel | Latinx Therapy | drop your favorite resources in the comments.

and before you head off I want to thank you and all of the new members of the beyond the chichos family! I can’t believe there’s almost 50 of you here! everytime I see the stats and see that people are opening and reading my inner thoughts it really trips me up! all along I thought no one would care to hear what I had to say and all along I was I wrong. thank you for supporting my work. continue supporting by sharing, comment, subscribing or a tip if you’re feeling fancy.