i’m healing out loud
because what else am I supposed to do?
I’m healing out loud, for me.
For me. Me this woman that’s getting more and more comfortable in being herself. This woman that is writing for you today. That is committed to living life and following her path no matter where it leads. The me that has emerged from the layers of what she used to be, or what she thought she had to be.
I’m healing out loud for Zari.
Whenever I hear Zari (what my family calls me) I don’t picture me. I picture my younger self. The little girls that kept me safe and did their best to get me to where I am now. But I specially think of that little girl that navigated growing up, living life in her head, full of worries, full of all these things. Trying to be perfect, perfect for who?
I remember in the 2012ish era when I was trying to get into blogging my dad was so confused.
“Why are you sharing your business?” He asked one day coming in from a walk. I tried to communicate it the best way I could. “I’m sharing it because 1. That’s what we do now haha and 2. Because it’s my story to share, and maybe it’ll help someone.”
It was that simple and it remains that way to this day.
I don’t feel the need to, nor did I ever feel the need to hide myself, until I was taught to hide myself. Until showing up as me brought in questions, from my family, from my elders, from my community.
I’m healing out loud because I suffered in silence
I remembered the first time I shared something from my ache in creative writing in middle school, the teacher called me up to her desk and wanted to speak with me. She wanted to check in with how I was feeling about everything I wrote, and I knew in my little middle school brain that “lo que pasa en la casa stays en la casa” so I tried my best to go around her questioning, but from that moment I learned that it was no longer safe to share.
Trickles of that messaging poured into the rest of my life until I decided I’m good off that. I am grateful for the online community (follow me on the gram) that I cultivated which started shifting to sharing vs teaching in the past couple of years, and it’s been so healing to give a voice to those little versions of me that tried to do all of that but was still trapped in the web of conditioning that were and weren’t hers.
Letting go of the thoughts that kept me stuck has been hard, but what makes it easier is sharing my truth for me. The bonus is that in sharing my truth it helps others be seen so they can not feel alone. Because it can feel very isolating in the depths of your suffering.
I’m healing out loud because I dug my way out
I am the first one to go to willingly go to therapy in my family. I knew that something wasn't adding up. The things I was doing, the way I was feeling and the living I was living and I was still stuck. I remember my first therapist, I went to see her in person and my husband waited in the car, when I got back in he said I looked lighter and was glowing. It was as if I finally was able to say things that I never got to say. A release if you will.
My second therapist was where we put in work. She helped me understand, connect the dots, and connect me back into my body. I had to learn piece by piece who I was without all the noise. Our time came to an end when we moved and I currently started therapy again in preparation for conception so I can be in the best headspace (another journey I’m sharing outloud lol).
All these people on my path allowed me to find the tools I needed, the vision I needed, the ability to tune in and see the world around me, find the connections and synchronicities and bring me closer to me.
The me that is a creative at heart, that is passionate about several things, the me that is ever evolving, the me that is the bridge connecting our heritage to modern life when it comes to nutrition and beyond. The me that is writing this. I will say I am so happy to be writing again that teacher put a pause on me but it’s been nice to be back!
I’m healing out loud because I never want to feel alone again.
Being the odd one out has always been my nature but it’s also something that I learned from my family (my family’s story is not one to tell but they’re pretty cool).
I’m an Aquarius rising so I’m going to be a little different than the pack, and that black sheep feeling can sometimes come at the cost of feeling alone.
Long story short I didn’t grow up totally spiritual because I had many questions and quandaries about religion. I didn’t have a bad experience in church, our church growing up was pretty fun, but whenever I asked certain questions or challenged certain beliefs it wasn’t always welcomed.
I learned quickly that my way of thinking wasn’t always for everyone. At times that made me feel hella lonely, a part of me that couldn’t ever feel safe to come out. A part of me that kept it all inside until inside became too crowded.
In taking the steps to figure it all out and follow my path and beliefs I was able to and continue to find people that share in what I believe in because they believed in it too. Not only that because I learned and continue to learn about spirituality and energy I know that I am never alone, I have ancestors, guides, angels and the universe all supporting me, you, and all of us.
And by being open and honest about my journey I make space for me to be me so you can be you.
I’m healing out loud so you can heal out loud too.
Thank you for reading Beyond the Chichos una cosita mas before you go.
Writing here is a labor of love and one of my favorite creative outlets. As of today, some posts will be moving to paid-subscriber-only access. These particular pieces are ones where I go más profundo. Reflecting on healing, identity, grief, growth, and all the tender things that take a little more out of me to share.
They won’t be super frequent, maybe once every few weeks, whatever flows, but they come from a deep place and I want to honor that labor with a gentle exchange. Becoming a paid subscriber will give you access to the full archive of these deeper reflections as they unfold. If you feel called to enter la profundiad with me I welcome you with open arms.
Thank YOU always for being here. Free or paid, we’re all family and your presence means the world.
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Until next time xoxo
